do people even know me?

today was an eventful day i guess.


after work i went school to study. then my dad came to pick me up at around 6pm and told me we going to visit my grandma (paternal) in the hospital. he told me she had been having a fever and suffered a heart attack this morning. realised it was quite serious and my dad told us that it could be our last time seeing her.


well what should my reaction have been? i was, honestly, just simply thinking "oh okay".


i dunno why, but i smsed daniel yip telling him about it. i was like saying the same things that i had been thinking: that these kinda things are inevitable, especially since my grandma is a smoker.


then daniel was like "dunno why u sms me for tho" and i was like "aiya i also dunno. hmm ok nvm."


then he was like "worried then say la dunneed hide emotions under your biceps oO"


i was kinda taken aback i guess. i didnt even know if i was worried. was i supposed to be? i told him i wont call it worried, and said that these kinda things are inevitable and there was nothing anyone could do about it. which is true lah, and i know it's true, but somehow i felt like i was just saying them for the sake of saying them.


then we reached my grandma's ward, and i saw her lying there. kinda helpless. drifting off into sleep then suddenly frowning, as if in pain and then opening her eyes wide. the result of her having mild heart attacks. she was unable to talk, and didnt respond.


my sis thought i was not serious at all, was kinda chiding me for my like nonchalent facial expressions. she was calling out "ah ma" to my grandma and i was simply staring at her, not saying a word. but deep down inside it hurt every single second to watch my grandma in such a state.


when my sis walked away, i started to call out to my grandma. i tried to smile at her as she stared right back at me and called out, hoping for any sense of recognition.


i dunno why i was like that. so reluctant to display my feelings in front of others. i guess that's the one big thing i realised about myself today. it's like being a well known joker and happy-go-lucky guy u would never expect me to become like that. and somehow i unwittingly had to "live up to expectations" and gradually became the guy that i am now. i mean, trust me, it would be wierd if one day keefe turns up in class/training being so very emo and serious.


i was talking to a good friend last night and she could actually understand my situation. she was saying i sounded stressed. then i was like no lah how can im such a happy-go-lucky guy. then she said sth like "the more happy-go-lucky u are, the more stressed u would be." sounds kinda paradoxical but it's kinda true.


she pointed out that "everyone sees u as such and thus nobody would understand how u really feel sometimes and because u are like that, everyone would think that 'keefe would be so happy and free of problems' so nobody cares about how u feel". i guess that is exactly what is happening.


i wouldn't say its a facade. i really am a nice, happy go lucky guy who loves a good laugh anytime. but maybe it's become such a norm and part of everyone's perception of me that i have become sort of a guy who hides most of his other emotions.


hell, the best example would be my blog. i realised that i have been making a conscious effort to post happy posts. every single one of my posts have been happy. no emo posts, no rantings, no whinings. it has just been the Happy Life of Keefe the Happy Guy.


dunno la.


so anyway. my grandma's really in a weak condition now. when i was looking at her i was honestly very very sad. it is a very, very real experience to watch someone having mild heart attacks. i cannot describe it but i was quite affected by it.


i did not cry, even as tears welled up in my eyes. it would be crazy if anyone saw me crying, i was thinking. loads of stuff were running through my head as my grandma stared into my eyes. like whether it would be the last time i was seeing her.


i even ran to the toilet to make sure my hair was neat. cause i just wanted her to have maybe the best last impression of me as far as possible.


my dad was like talking to her, asking her if she recognised me. i stared at her and caught a faint nod of her head. then she actually opened her mouth and called "ah boon", which was hokkien for "ah wen". my chinese name's jing wen what. that is what she always calls me and i would never, ever forget that moment.


she would probably not have long to live. i don't think her condition can improve that much.


ah ma, i still have your gold ring that u personally gave me during Chinese New Year and you'd know i will never lose it.